I close my eyes as I type this. I try to reminisce about the moments I have with my mom. I try to find some emotion in the life we had together. Are there times that I laughed with her at a joke or had a meaningful conversation with her? Is there a day where I grew from her maturity and poise? Rather many of it has been an endurance with her. Putting up with her antics and hour-long spiels about disjointed thought of people she knows and doesn’t know. It’s hard to love my mom. I’ve reduced her to a common annoyance in my life. Something that I come home to and try to drown out from my mind.
This contributes to my psychology. My habits, speech, movements, lifestyle, vices and virtues. When this mixture of duty, of compassion,empathy and the painful feeling of seeing my family depressed and longing for company is mixed with a feeling of hopelessness, annoyance, frustration, confusion, and a lack of resources to communicate my words to them, I’m left with myself, my thoughts, and my wordpress.
Here’s a short list of who my mom is. It is nowhere near enough to fully describe who she is. Only a scratch in the surface, not even adequate to leave a mark in your mind.
- She has Bipolar II disorder. For my mom it includes all of these listed in WebMD. Again this is not sufficient to fully explain her and her disorder.
- Feeling abnormally self-confident or social
- Needing less sleep or more energetic
- Unusually talkative or hyper
- Irritable or quick to anger
- Thinking faster than usual
- More easily distracted/having trouble concentrating
- More goal-directed or productive at work, school or home
- More involved in pleasurable activities, such as spending
- Here’s a short list of the things she does.
- She comes into my room and takes clothes and moves it into suitcases and her room. She also adds clothes of mine that I don’t wear or have tried to throw away back into my room.
- She does not throw anything away and she won’t let me throw anything away. I have a trashcan in my room that she constantly goes through and takes.
- She leaves orange peels inside my room (probably for what she believes as medical reasons)
- She constantly chastises television shows and personalities for talking about violence or bad news. She talks to them on the television
- She doesn’t want me to cut trees or clean the yard. When I do and put the leaves and stuff in the trashcan, she dumps it out back into the yard.
- She’s extremely hard-headed and opinionated. Once she believes something, no amount of reason, logic, or discussion is going to change her mind.
I don’t write this to complain or show my mom in a negative light. Underneath the things she does, she’s a very loving and caring person. She always buys me food and cooks for me (even though it’s sometimes inedible), even when I don’t ask for it. She unconditionally loves her family despite how we treat her. She’s curious, light hearted, kind, friendly, peaceful and lovely…. But many times it gets overshadowed.
As I’m writing this blog, my mom is in my room talking a mile a minute in Chinese about random things that I don’t quite understand. She’s half talking to me, half talking to herself. I’m trying to drown her out with my non-noise canceling headphones. It’s successful in muffling her speech, but I doesn’t remove the fact that she’s longing for someone to listen to her hour long, abnormally self-confident, talks about her life and people. This is combined with the yells of my father for her to shut up and his constant “FUCK YOU’S” in chinese break my heart and my concentration for the millionth time.