How are you doing? I’m okay.

How am I doing today?

Hmm… I’m okay. That response is very interesting. I use it all the time and I’m not lying when I say I’m just okay. Being okay is how I survive being not okay in life. In reality, I have struggles everyday. However, if I go out into the world I’m not going to fully express that throughout the day. I’m going to consciously but even more so unconditionally suppress my struggles in order to function. I’m good at doing this, so good that I do it without thinking. This has been embedded into my life. It’s more important than eating or sleeping.

Everyday is a struggle to make it to being okay. It’s an uphill climb to get to this plateau where i can set up camp and rest before I’m forced to climb again. The plateau is where I can sit and forget about the mountains ahead of me. I crawl into my little tent and cover myself full of jackets and blankets so I can pretend I’m somewhere warmer. It’s an absurd and unending climb where every day I’m looking for level ground and once I find it, I refuse to move. I refuse to move until the monotony of my tent drives me insane. When this insanity starts to fill this asylum, I open up my tent a bit to let it out and a rush of blistering cold air shakes my body. I endure the cold and with all my willpower escape into the unrelenting snow storm. The overwhelming and painful cold makes me second guess my decision to leave, but the repulsive thought of the lifeless and listless boredom in the tent felt much colder than the mountain. So I decided continue my difficult accession to a place I’m not quite sure of. But when the slopes become steeper and the fears of falling increase, I think about my tent where I am warm and safe and I long for it, I cry for it, I think to myself, maybe it’s better to be in that insane asylum than to slip and fall into the dark unknown abyss.

There’s more I want to write, but writing is exhausting. I’ll save it for another day.

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